How Going Abroad Screwed Up My Life

I was loudly singing "Thank you for sunshine, thank you for rain..." on my way to some waterfalls when a little monkey jumped out of a tree very close to my bike.

He interrupted me on the part that says "It's a beautiful day....". I slowed down and saw a group of about 40 monkeys throwing fruit, chewing, and jumping.

It looked like a primate party.

Some other people also stopped to watch. There were about 7 or 8 of us there observing the situation.

Gotta say that I am glad that humans are still interested in the animal kingdom.

A little girl of about 4 years old crouched on the ground and a small monkey approached her. The little monkey didn't come all the way over, but he got a little more daring each time.

She kept laughing, picked up a piece of fruit from the ground, and offered it to him, the monkey took it and moved a little away. The little girl's beaming face spoke a thousand words.

- Get away from there, he will bite you! I can't take my eyes off you!

The girl's mother showed up. Screaming and dragging the girl away. The girl's excited eyes quickly gave way to tears and a desolate cry. I guess for a moment the little girl thought she was about to die or something.

The little monkey was also frightened and jumped behind his mom. They continued the party.

As mother and daughter walked away, they crossed paths with other monkeys, I'm telling you, there were about 40 of them. Now the little girl, climbing on her mother's neck, fearfully pointed at each monkey she saw and cried louder.

That was it. A new fear was created.

From something that could have been a wonderful experience and even mark future experiences for that little girl, now a fear that was not even hers had arisen.

I used to dream of traveling or moving to another place when I was younger. I fantasized about being a writer and telling the world about everything I experienced on my adventures.

National Geographic magazine was like my Hollywood for actors.

I'm not quite sure when I put those dreams aside to have a more "responsible" life. But I did.

What makes us settle even when we are dissatisfied with our work or other aspects of our lives?

One simple reason.

FEAR.

Guilt, insecurity, uncertainty, fear of change, fear of letting others down.

We are not really aware of when or who put those fears on us but, we all unconsciously do have them.

I have to admit that I myself stayed in that place of fear for a while too, not for too long, though. I've never quite bought into the conventional lifestyle. But I've tried it.

I am from a small town that I left when I was 17 to go to college, that was my first radical change of life and identity. I left in tears and returned home every weekend.

When I finished college, returning to my hometown was weird, I had changed, the place not so much. I couldn't place myself anywhere.

I went one year to Italy, one year to London, another to Madrid. I made a living working as a waitress, at events, and those things you have to do when you're in your 20s.

At 25, I returned to live in my home where I still have my friends, my family, my dogs, and a lot of places I always come back to.

Although it was temporary at first, I gradually started to create my life there again. Everything was easy.

I played 2 games of paddle tennis every week, I went to the mountains with my friends, I used to spend the weekends with my brother in the little cabin where he lives and I started working in the family business.

Soon I met my partner for the next 5 years. Let's call him "Rafa" to keep his privacy (I've always wanted a boyfriend named Rafa so I can take advantage of that now).

He was the one I thought would be my life partner, the one I would marry, have kids, a dog, and the whole package with.

I also bought a van. Another dream that for a long time I thought I didn't deserve.

"Rafa" made me see that I was working and earning my money (not much) so, why not? And he himself started looking at second-hand vans and somehow made it happen.

That black Opel Vivaro became THE LIFE to me.

It gave me the freedom to go places without having to decide the exact route or when to return. It allowed me to see sunrises on deserted beaches or sleep listening to wolves at the gates of the mountains. It opened up a world to me.

It was my refuge and my escape route. A first little taste of what I one day dreamt of.

I wasn't even 30 years old and my life was going great guns.

Going by the book. Playing to the gallery.

Then everything fell apart.

Thank god.

Although it sounds like I had a fantastic life, It didn´t last too long that way and It was all accompanied by tears on my way to work every morning. Tears because I had a huge void inside me. Because my responsible life was always confronting my adventurous side. Because guilt was flooding me for settling for nothing. Because I missed the only person who had understood me until then, my father.

Just remembering that emptiness gives me chills.

Things were not that amazing with "Rafa" anymore, we had stopped understanding each other a long time ago, only I would not easily accept It. In the family business, there was a mess that ended up in that we all had to be relocated.

From that family relocation, everyone lost and got something out of it and I, who had been thinking about it for a long time, lost my job and got a Master's Degree in Business Management and Marketing that I had not done until then because I could not afford it, or again, I thought I did not deserve it.

Once again, it was "Rafa" who made me see that I could do it.

The bad news was that of all the options I looked at, the best University to which I was admitted was in the United States.

No way I would move anywhere. At that time It was clear to me.

I had already lived in 2 countries, I had worked with people from all over the world, I could communicate in English, I had traveled, and now the last thing I wanted was CHANGE.

I wanted to be close to my family and for things with "Rafa" to continue as they had been until then (a disaster I guess).

In my head, I had already lived it all.

I repeat I was not even 30 years old and I wanted my life to be already planned until my funeral!

The fear that things would (inevitably) change paralyzed me.

The universe was laughing out loud.

The twists and turns of life, in less than 2 years everything had changed completely. I lived in California, I had traveled to 28 countries (39 now), and my life became 98% in a language that is not my native language.

I learned how to surf, started working in Marketing for international companies, and had the pleasure of meeting myself and making friends who became family.

And that was just the beginning.

When I went abroad, my city became too small, having "security" and a planned life gave way to boredom and "Rafa", well, I haven't heard from him again but I thank him loads for not listening to my excuses for not taking the plunge and for opening the doors to the best decisions of my life.

As you can see, going abroad screwed up my life.

I am thankful for it every single day!

Now it's your turn, is there anything you want to change or you rather stay the way you are?

In my next story, I will talk about how I spent an evening with a shaman in Bali and will share a technique I learned that will hopefully open a world for you.

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